If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
