last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
