fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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