what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
