I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
