My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
