Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
