One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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