Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize