Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
