Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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