What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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