I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
