Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
