How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
