omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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