Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
