So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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