my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
