Im at strip club and am horny
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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