so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize