I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
