This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
