We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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