lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
