Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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