weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize