There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
