Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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