so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
