You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
