i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
