I could make wine with my vomit
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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