haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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