some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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