Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
