Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
