New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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