If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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