My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
