My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
