New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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