i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
