70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
