I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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