Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
