glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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