dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
