The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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