I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
