Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
