my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
