Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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