I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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