Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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