Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
