yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
