I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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