Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
